Emptiness

Emptiness is an interesting feeling.  Not sad.  Not lonely.  Simply empty.  Empty is not a bad feeling.  Just interesting.

It is fairly quiet today.  All our house guests & visitors are gone.  It’s just Jim and me today.  Only one official thing on the calendar for today.  Lots of laundry to do, but I feel no sense of urgency about it; simply a quiet nagging in the background.  Housework, organizing and computer work nag a bit as well.  However, I am — so far — ignoring them quite easily.

I am trying to figure out where the emptiness is coming from.  Is it the death of my dear friend?  Is it that my brothers are gone again?  (I do enjoy their visits.  I am blessed.)  Is it all the news I received from my brother about the events of my nieces & nephews and their families?  The sense of family growing up and expanding and moving out and away?  Is it simply being so tired?  Is is an awareness of the temporary nature of this world?  Perhaps it is an awareness of my own sinfulness and failures.  I am 61 years old — when will I grow up spiritually and emotionally?  I want to be loving, to be mature, to be the things I have taped to my laptop in hope:  gracious, gentle, generous, kind, meek.  I want to be a woman of God, a “woman after God’s own heart”.  When is that going to happen?

Perhaps it is none of these things.  Perhaps this feeling of emptiness is simply a comma in my week — a pause before life roars up again.  Yes, maybe that’s what it is.

The nice thing about this emptiness is that I do not feel alone.  I am aware of the love of God.  I am aware of the patient love of my husband.  I feel open…waiting to be filled.

Lord, please fill me.

 

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